Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO