Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time