What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
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Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you