Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

i’m gonna allow it

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

Saturday

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst