What a year we’ve had this week.
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?