What a year we’ve had this week.
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Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.