What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
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The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
any last words?
