Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one