What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
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my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.