What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]