What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
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[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Otters drive ottermobiles.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN