What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
You Might Also Like
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My ideal weight is five million dollars
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.