What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint