What about a To-Don’t List?
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Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
why no one uses midhusbands
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Always
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)