What about a To-Don’t List?
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DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.