Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.