Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet