“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.