“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
(Jupiter –
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
#SaturdayBears
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Breaking news:
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.