“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
learning about math 🧐 📝
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou