“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Blew out my flip flop…
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.