What about second breakfast?
You Might Also Like
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂