Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol