“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
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Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
very niche meme I made
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
no such thing as a dumb question
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes