“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
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priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
per my last wtf
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I’m not lazy
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.