What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
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I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Fights fire with marshmallows
got so much cardio in today
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A