Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

💀💀💀💀

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

Sunday

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.