Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*