what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
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The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.