what all these pyramids be scheming about?
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wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?