What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
You Might Also Like
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I am also baked goods
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.