What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
You Might Also Like
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Breaking news:
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.