What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
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Coffee is ready.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
God tier horse name today on the sims
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.