What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
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To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Sometimes? I’m slipping
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[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
haha same
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HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.