What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
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Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
There are usually two types of merchants.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
