What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I can’t stop watching this.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”