“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Lmao 🤣
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
mood
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow