Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl