Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof