Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

💁🏻‍♂️

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”