Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.