Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”