Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok