What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
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Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.