“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
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[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update