“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
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I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused