Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.