Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

She might be a genius

this country is so goddamn polarized

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john