What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
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CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
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What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.