What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
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Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.