WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
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Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
