WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
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*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole