What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
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being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have