What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
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My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
That eye roll….
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Bread puns are on the rise!
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming