Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what do you want!!!!!!!!

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.