What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
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[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
oh shit
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?