what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
You Might Also Like
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Never ghost your hitman.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’