Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

My Sentiments Exactly