Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt