Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.