Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why I divorced her.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.