What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
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Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
men are simple creatures