What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
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I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*