“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
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Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
LMAO
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
…żyje?
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.