What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
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Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN