What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
the clam before the storm
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
🐿️
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
My dad teaching me to drive
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes