what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
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They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”