what are they serving at kfc then???
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I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Made something I’m not proud of
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*