what are they serving at kfc then???
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997