what are they serving at kfc then???
You Might Also Like
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I’M CRYINGGG
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.