“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
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I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.